Marko makes me question my project. He seems concerned about what I really want out of it. And I am disappointed in myself that I cannot give him an answer. I see him as someone very sensitive and receptive. To him intimacy can be observing ants together. Or hugging a tree and complaining to that tree all of life's sorrows. We got lost in the forest for a short while. This felt quite intimate. We also talked a lot. About relationships and the usual intimate stuff. We laughed together and I found him beautiful. Sometimes there is a quality quite hard an determined about him. And then again he can be completely innocent and childlike. I know that I don't show my emotions easily. I know I have a complex about wanting to be more intimate with people and more emotional. I started this project to provide me with a safe frame in which I can push my boundaries. Marko asks very direct and simple questions:
"Why don't you just tell people you want to be intimate with them instead of using the excuse of a project? What is it you really want?" I am very impressed, maybe even overwhelmed by his persistence in asking these questions. I think he is genuinely concerned about my sanity and well-being. But also about the way I treat people involved in my project.
Last night I slept with Antonio and Marko in one big double bed. At first I did two intimate performances for them which were quite silly an naive. I will definitely have to rethink how to objectively test intimacy in performance. After some relevant dialog about the ethical and very basic human implications of my project, we got physically intimate in a very tender and careful way. I was surprised that it felt so natural and comfortable. There were moments though when I did think about my responsibility in proposing this project to them, about how far I am willing to let this go and about the degree of intimacy experienced in the moment. So I was the rat and the scientist simultaneously (that is Antonio's metaphor).
In the morning at eight I left to do my yoga and laughing meditation alone. I was conscious it was a way of escaping. After opening a lot towards others in an intimate way I tend to run back to discipline. I think it is my way of dealing with ambiguous feelings of guilt and confusion. I engaged myself vigorously in yoga and laughing to get a handle on my loss of perspective and control. Marko expects me to be clear with my intentions. Like Jean-Baptiste he distrusts ambiguity. In our talks he keeps coming back to the human basics of what I set out to do. He doesn't like calling it a project. What would be his function in this project? Is he just a tool for my research? I really appreciate his questions and concern. I feel both flattered and anxious about it.
"Why don't you just tell people you want to be intimate with them instead of using the excuse of a project? What is it you really want?" I am very impressed, maybe even overwhelmed by his persistence in asking these questions. I think he is genuinely concerned about my sanity and well-being. But also about the way I treat people involved in my project.
Last night I slept with Antonio and Marko in one big double bed. At first I did two intimate performances for them which were quite silly an naive. I will definitely have to rethink how to objectively test intimacy in performance. After some relevant dialog about the ethical and very basic human implications of my project, we got physically intimate in a very tender and careful way. I was surprised that it felt so natural and comfortable. There were moments though when I did think about my responsibility in proposing this project to them, about how far I am willing to let this go and about the degree of intimacy experienced in the moment. So I was the rat and the scientist simultaneously (that is Antonio's metaphor).
In the morning at eight I left to do my yoga and laughing meditation alone. I was conscious it was a way of escaping. After opening a lot towards others in an intimate way I tend to run back to discipline. I think it is my way of dealing with ambiguous feelings of guilt and confusion. I engaged myself vigorously in yoga and laughing to get a handle on my loss of perspective and control. Marko expects me to be clear with my intentions. Like Jean-Baptiste he distrusts ambiguity. In our talks he keeps coming back to the human basics of what I set out to do. He doesn't like calling it a project. What would be his function in this project? Is he just a tool for my research? I really appreciate his questions and concern. I feel both flattered and anxious about it.
2 comments:
dear sleeping beauty:
why don't you get really lost with someone you like in the forest at night? ¿Why not experience intimacy more than talk about intimacy?
How you behave inside a monastery? is it empty? it's just another turistic atracttion for you?
Forget your research while your doing it, don't tell to the other the whole truth about you and about your project, forget yourself with them but do not forget to register, record or something.
I'LL B WATCHING
i'll b waiting for the one-to-one performance, but for me, without eyes contact...
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