intimate walk with Sayaka

My intimate walk with Sayaka started with a shoulder massage. She had pain in her left shoulder and I proposed to give her a Feldenkrais-inspired treatment my friend Julius had once performed on me. I remember it was an immensely relaxing sensation which created a lot of space in my shoulder joint. Performing this massage on Sayaka made me feel at home and safe. We got to talking about family somehow. Sayaka reported that in her family there wasn't much touchy-feely kind of intimacy. But there certainly was a strong sense of trust and belonging. Sayaka is the only person allowed to give a shoulder massage to her mother.
Sayaka already slept in my room in Amsterdam (not in the same bed) and she baked a wonderful apple pie for me and my roommates.
After the shoulder massage I felt so comfortably at ease that it was very hard to get up and go for a walk. We decided to just go for a short stroll through the orchard up to a little look-0ut spot protected by trees with a nice view over the orchard and garden. We sat in two plastic chairs and talked about spirituality. Talking about something so abstract and intangible still had an intimate bonding effect on us. I realized that I hadn't talked about God and the world with someone in a very long time. "Talking about God and the world" is a German expression and means that you're having a profound conversation with somebody about existential issues.
I remember when I was younger I always wanted to talk about God and the world with everyone. These are very big but also basic questions! Lately I have neglected these issues and instead become obsessed with the intimate and the personal. With Sayaka we went easy on the existential issues. We touched them slightly - and more in a vague, floating kind of way. I became aware that I'm actually quite lost spiritually. I don't really know what I believe in anymore. Sayaka 's belief that her ancestors are watching over her is a beautiful image. This respect for the elderly is rooted in her culture. It made me think of my grandmother and that I find it more and more difficult to connect with her as I get more and more entangled in my self-obsessed artistic quests and ambitions. I confessed to Sayaka that I felt guilty for not having spent more than a few miserly hours with my grandmother during the six weeks I spent at home in my village this summer. "Why don't you write a letter to her and explain your situation?" I truly believe that Sayaka's simple advice could make a big difference.