intimate walk with Jean-Baptiste

On my intimate walk with Jean-Baptiste we imagined that intimacy was all around us like the wind and it was a question of being ready for it and allowing it to settle on us. We were talking a lot theoretically which created a lot of windy thoughts. I was mainly listening and feeling bashful. During the whole walk I felt intimacy was in the air. From the very beginning at PAF I had developed a crush on Jean-Baptiste and when I like someone I usually wish to find the perfect moment to confess my feelings. Yet I was hesitant. I wasn’t completely sure I was ready to bear the consequences of such a confession. It became quite clear that Jean-Baptiste likes clarity in relationships. He isn’t much into ambiguity and playing games. Although if he decides to he can be a great flirt. He said it himself. When I feel attracted to somebody and at the same think that person is very intelligent and wise I tend to become quite shy and quiet. I told Jean-Baptiste I was more in a listening mood. And he was in a sharing mood. I thought to myself that I could learn a lot from him. He seems to be quite grounded and know where to set his boundaries. I respect him a lot for that. He has gotten hurt in the past playing these ambiguous games. It made me question once more my real intentions of doing this intimacy project. Do I want to stay very objective and scientific in my approach? Is it more about circling around intimacy, playing with the notion of it without really going there? Or am I willing and available enough to let go of control, to lose myself in the project and get really intimate? Can I be really intimate while staying an observer of my research? I realized that I was already quite confused. We hiked up a muddy path in the forest. Eventually there was a kind of hill with a nice view over a field. We decided to sit down. Jean-Baptiste told me about the relationship he has been in for two years, about the psychoanalysis his parents forced him to do and the new somatic therapy he started recently. I wasn't sure if hearing him talk about his boyfriend made me feel disappointed or relieved. We sat there on this little hill overlooking the field and I felt quite comfortable and also a bit melancholic all of a sudden. I still hadn't really said very much during our walk. I felt bashful and confused but also strangely happy to just be there with him. We shared some nice moments of silence and then I would smile because of an intimate thought popping up. He wanted to know why I was smiling. I couldn't put it into words. Somehow I expected of myself to share more with him, to be more honest with him. But I also enjoyed to keep this silent ambiguity, to feel a kind of intimate tension in the air without having to put words on it. At the end of our walk we both agreed that the time we spent sitting on that hill was the most intimate moment of the walk. Maybe by sitting we allowed intimacy to settle down after all.