reflections on the research

I am collecting people on this blog, collecting and archiving experiences with people.
Each person is a tool to help me understand better what I am doing.
I am not an academic researcher like Jan. But I am like Jan trying to accommodate intimacy, trying to create conditions for it to flourish. I am facilitating intimacy.

I am doing this because in my family we never talked much about feelings, sexuality, intimate stuff.
I am doing this because I want to overcome shyness. I want to show more emotions in public. I want to share more about myself, show more of myself.
I also want to be an empty vessel to receive others, to give the space to others to express themselves and talk about intimate, subtle things that move them.

I wonder if I really need to set clear parameters. Do people need to know that they are on an intimate walk with me? How much shall I influence the course of the conversation?
Do I need to bring the conversation back to intimacy when it digresses too much?

Intimacy can be so vast and vague. Still birth is on the contrary very specific.
Do I need to have a stronger backbone, put my foot down and be more manipulative to get what I want out of this research?

For the last two weeks I have been very lazy, burned out, depressed. The rehearsal process with Katy for our duet "enter my bubble" was very difficult. Towards the end we got on each others' nerves. We were moody, judgmental, defensive. We pitied ourselves and didn't want to bear the pressure and responsibility that come with such a big production by its very nature.
So I was hiding out in Roberta's studio, didn't go to class, experienced angst, loneliness and a general sense of guilt and blame.

I watched Billy Elliott on DVD and cried throughout the film. I was super proud. Finally I was able to release my tears. My psychologist says that was because the film reflects the needs and longings I experience in my own family situation. I have a deep, unsatisfied need to be respected, loved and supported by my father - to have a meaningful relationship with my father. Maybe my therapist is right. He says that crying always expresses a need, a strong desire or longing.
In Freudian terms (which he thinks are outdated) crying is the release of too much pent-up emotion. Since last summer I had three major crying events. The first one was with my mother. It was triggered by a sense of helplessness and losing control and frustration. The second one was after Rodrigo's intimate walk while watching his video. The third one was with Billy Elliott. So these were moments when I felt very intimate with myself. I was able to express strong needs/desires and in the process experience change.

The other day I was walking with Aitana in Vondelpark. It was cold and sunny and I told her about my coming-out-of-depression adventure with this boy I ended up going home with after de Truut. I am very glad to have Aitana in my life because she confronts me with my patterns and my weaknesses. And she challenges me to explore more options, to follow my desire and to be more playful. I didn't want to kiss this boy because I was worrying about a funny taste in my mouth. Aitana could relate to that because she also worries about funny tastes in her mouth. She said that kissing for her is one of the most intimate acts in sex. That walk with Aitana was an intimate walk as well even though we didn't frame it as such. I remember I felt a great support and respect from Aitana. I feel she allows and even encourages me to change and become more of myself while totally respecting where I am and who I am.