I met Koen at the entrance of the zoo today. At the beginning of the month we had a nice talk after the Amsterdam premiere of Keren's Prize Piece. I felt very good then, grateful, receptive, vulnerable in an open, available way. Koen came up to me after the performance in the bar and we talked about Raimund Hoghe, about the process with Keren, about many things. There were things to talk about. Conversation happened to us. I was happy he came to talk to me then. And we agreed to do an intimate walk on one of his days off.
Koen reminded me of Swiss chansonnier Michael von der Heide today. He had a cold. His voice sounded a bit hoarse. I find him endearing and good-looking. He has this sweet, sad boy look sometimes that I love. We passed some zebras. We didn't talk about intimacy at all. Koen is intimacy embodied. He is very sweet and tender. I hope he will be at the next annual meeting in Oporto. I was determined not to channel or manipulate the conversation in any direction whatsoever. It was an intimate walk merely by the fact that we had agreed to meet and go for an intimate walk. We didn't mention the word intimacy as far as I remember. This is what I found out about Koen: He likes Art Deco. He would like to live in Berlin if it wasn't for his boyfriend who lives in Antwerp. He was impressed by the Japanese architecture in Almere. They performed Keren's piece there and the theater and a lot of houses were built in this Japanese style he liked a lot. He has read two books by this quite popular Japanese author who is on a lot of bestseller lists. At least I think it is him. It's an easy read and quite light hearted. He recommends the film Hairspray with John Travolta. He likes light, uplifting books and films lately. This surprised me because I always saw Koen as someone with a tendency towards the melancholic, dark side. But he can have something frivolous too I guess. He talked to me sometimes with a kind of intimacy I didn't know we had established, a kind of confidential old-friend-you-can-talk-and gossip-about-everything intimacy. We stood in the sun in front of the new public library. He asked me how much the library pass was and I didn't remember. We talked about money more than I was comfortable I think. He talked about the Dutch-Flemish culture gap, about little things that annoy him about the Dutch.
He said that he felt very connected to his family at a recent funeral of his uncle. He isn't really looking forward to spending X-mas with his family. But the funeral bonding he appreciated. He likes to cook and when he is in Antwerp he likes to stay at home a lot. His boyfriend Dan likes to go out though. He ordered a toasti and tomato soup at the Star Bikes cafe. Later he met Annette (she was the dramaturge in his last duet) at the Central Station. They wanted to go to the Van Gogh museum. There was an exhibition about Barcelona art. He invited me to join them. But I really liked the music at the cafe. It was lounge/house music. Quite unusual for the cafe. But it was perfect for my mood which was a bit melancholic. I wasn't completely satisfied with the reading on my intimacy thermometer.
Koen insisted on treating me to my Power Chai. I protested weakly and then let him. I didn't have any cash on me anyway. Koen left and I stayed. Maybe I had hoped to spend more time with him, I think I wanted to share more with him about my personal turbulences of the moment. Instead I had stayed rather placid. Had I at least succeeded in being a facilitator? I wonder if he felt intimately connected. Or if he too felt that our encounter had stayed on a superficial level.
If intimacy is about sharing maybe he was satisfied about his part of the sharing. He had shared quite freely. I think he felt comfortable with me. And I have reason to be happy if that's the case.
So what was the cause of my slight disappointment? I think it's the fact that I tend to stay too much in control: I am so nice, pleasant, accommodating sometimes that in the end I realize that I wasn't really voicing any clear opinion, offering any resistance, counterpoint, friction. Everything had run smoothly. It had been a pleasant, uneventful meeting. And they lived happily ever after.
Koen reminded me of Swiss chansonnier Michael von der Heide today. He had a cold. His voice sounded a bit hoarse. I find him endearing and good-looking. He has this sweet, sad boy look sometimes that I love. We passed some zebras. We didn't talk about intimacy at all. Koen is intimacy embodied. He is very sweet and tender. I hope he will be at the next annual meeting in Oporto. I was determined not to channel or manipulate the conversation in any direction whatsoever. It was an intimate walk merely by the fact that we had agreed to meet and go for an intimate walk. We didn't mention the word intimacy as far as I remember. This is what I found out about Koen: He likes Art Deco. He would like to live in Berlin if it wasn't for his boyfriend who lives in Antwerp. He was impressed by the Japanese architecture in Almere. They performed Keren's piece there and the theater and a lot of houses were built in this Japanese style he liked a lot. He has read two books by this quite popular Japanese author who is on a lot of bestseller lists. At least I think it is him. It's an easy read and quite light hearted. He recommends the film Hairspray with John Travolta. He likes light, uplifting books and films lately. This surprised me because I always saw Koen as someone with a tendency towards the melancholic, dark side. But he can have something frivolous too I guess. He talked to me sometimes with a kind of intimacy I didn't know we had established, a kind of confidential old-friend-you-can-talk-and gossip-about-everything intimacy. We stood in the sun in front of the new public library. He asked me how much the library pass was and I didn't remember. We talked about money more than I was comfortable I think. He talked about the Dutch-Flemish culture gap, about little things that annoy him about the Dutch.
He said that he felt very connected to his family at a recent funeral of his uncle. He isn't really looking forward to spending X-mas with his family. But the funeral bonding he appreciated. He likes to cook and when he is in Antwerp he likes to stay at home a lot. His boyfriend Dan likes to go out though. He ordered a toasti and tomato soup at the Star Bikes cafe. Later he met Annette (she was the dramaturge in his last duet) at the Central Station. They wanted to go to the Van Gogh museum. There was an exhibition about Barcelona art. He invited me to join them. But I really liked the music at the cafe. It was lounge/house music. Quite unusual for the cafe. But it was perfect for my mood which was a bit melancholic. I wasn't completely satisfied with the reading on my intimacy thermometer.
Koen insisted on treating me to my Power Chai. I protested weakly and then let him. I didn't have any cash on me anyway. Koen left and I stayed. Maybe I had hoped to spend more time with him, I think I wanted to share more with him about my personal turbulences of the moment. Instead I had stayed rather placid. Had I at least succeeded in being a facilitator? I wonder if he felt intimately connected. Or if he too felt that our encounter had stayed on a superficial level.
If intimacy is about sharing maybe he was satisfied about his part of the sharing. He had shared quite freely. I think he felt comfortable with me. And I have reason to be happy if that's the case.
So what was the cause of my slight disappointment? I think it's the fact that I tend to stay too much in control: I am so nice, pleasant, accommodating sometimes that in the end I realize that I wasn't really voicing any clear opinion, offering any resistance, counterpoint, friction. Everything had run smoothly. It had been a pleasant, uneventful meeting. And they lived happily ever after.
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