intimate walk with Katrin

She had gotten up at 6am to do her laundry and while it was washing had watched a new crime show with a sexy Swedish actress. Sexy in a cute, normal kind of way she said. We met at 8:40am at Liliholmen metro station on a sunny Monday morning. Today Katrin started a master studies program called 'art in the public realm'. So at ten she had to be at school. This was going to be a shorty. She said she had a plan and we walked over to some factory buildings turned into artists' ateliers. In one of the formal factory buildings there was a posh lunch cafe. In front of that cafe Katrin spotted a guy with a coffee and a cigarette who looked like he had a hangover. They knew each other and greeted each other with a hug and kiss and exchanged some sentences in Swedish. The guy also shook my hand but kept looking at Katrin. I could sense some distant or recent intimacy in their short interaction. When we both explained that we were doing the 'intimate walk project' the guy gave us a suspicious and slightly amused look. Later Katrin told me that during her first year of her bachelor she had been drunk a lot and this guy had always given her free alcohol cause he worked at this bar and they had had a thing together. She hates the word intimacy. Because it is always immediately connoted with sex. And she doesn't like sex. I didn't ask her why. She read some academic book with a title something like 'the purchase of intimacy'. Intimacy as an agreement between two people who share knowledge on equal terms. I didn't understand how exactly this theory is related to the title of the book. So intimacy is a deal. You tell me your secrets, I'll tell you mine. Give and take. I said for me it's also about being more intimate with myself, being in touch with myself. While talking we found ourselves walking along the shore of a small lake surrounded by trees. There's always some lake or water body or some little forest popping up in Stockholm before long. There was a clearing and a table right next to the water which invited us to sit down. We started talking about religion and spirituality. Katrin was brought up as a Christian. She is originally from Norway and she still believes, but doesn't touch the bible anymore. She left her husband in Norway (they had already bought a house together) and came to Stockholm three years ago to study art. She said she had been depressed before and then when she started studying art she was doing better but the relationship didn't function anymore. So she quit the relationship and committed herself to art completely. We talked about commitment later on. Katrin felt there wasn't any real commitment in this encounter between the two of us. I see her point. It's just a short moment of focussing on each other in the frame of a project on intimacy. It might provide a window for momentary trust, for performing and sharing tiny bits of intimate information. Katrin said of herself that she had a rather distracted mind and that when she goes to church (which she still does every now and then) she feels her thoughts much more focused. She knows why she is there and feels there is a clearer sense of connection with herself. Recently she went a few times to the Royal Opera to see Wagner and felt a similar kind of focus and protected space like at church. As a child she used to pray all the time. In school she perceived studying as a form of praying, except mathematics. That was the only subject incompatible with praying. Katrin says of herself that she talks a lot without thinking too much about what she says. To me this makes her a very open and spontaneous, although slightly distracted and chaotic companion. But I was very much intrigued by her personality and by how organically the walk&talk developed and flowed. We also talked about keeping in touch with people and about facebook. She spent two years in high school on Vancouver island in Canada and uses facebook to keep in touch with some of her friends there. This year would have been a 10-year reunion, but the flights were too expensive. Which made me think of my host family in Idaho where I spent an exchange year in high school when I was 17. I didn't keep in touch, although I felt very close to them then. I feel they would like to hear some specific kind of news . . . that I got married and that I lead a good Christian life. And since I cannot give them this news I decided maybe it's easier not to stay in touch. . . Katrin has a similar situation with a family in Tanzania with whom she lived some years ago. They even named one of their kids after Katrin. She knows what kind of things they would like to hear in a letter . . .  and since she feels she cannot meet their expectations she keeps putting off writing that letter.