intimate walk with Robert

I raced to his house boat in the rain to pick him up. Actually it's not his house boat, but the house boat of Andre. It's one of the last house boats in Amsterdam without a sewage system. So when I peed in their toilet it went directly into the canal.
First we had a tea and stroop koek and talked about lazy weekend moods.
Robert sometimes stays in bed all day in the weekend reading the papers. He also likes to walk around his house naked for hours on end. When he is alone. Or with lovers. It feels natural to him. He wakes up every morning at 5 am to remember his dreams and goes on dreaming in a waking state. He continues constructing his dreams once he is awake, interpreting them in a way, but not analytically, more intuitively I believe.
He likes to do circular movements in his waist when he wakes up. This movement comes natural to him. I told him that this is a Kundalini exercise. In my Kundalini class we call it grinding. It wakes up the Kundalini energy and is great for digestion. And Silke, the financial secretary at school, told me she learned the same exercise in a ritual stemming from an old Tibetan monk tradition, before the buddhists came to Tibet. I forgot the name of this tradition, but I will ask her again. Robert wasn't aware that this movement comes from any kind of Tibetan monk or Kundalini tradition.
He does it unconsciously. He just does it because his body asks for it first thing in the morning. What I love about Robert is that he often shares intimate details of his life without even being asked.
We ventured out into the drizzling Amsterdam Saturday afternoon under one, big black umbrella. This already provided a quite intimate setting. We hooked arms. Robert told me about a festival director in Bologna with hair on the outside of his ears. Robert said he reminded him of a character out of Lord of the Rings. When he met this guy he felt immediately very intimately connected and they walked arm in arm through Bologna.
Robert is very social. I admire how easy it is for him to meet people and become intimate with them. In that way he is a bit of a role model to me. He talks openly about his narcissistic side. He has discovered the stage and the performer inside rather late in his life. He likes to take pictures of himself on his laptop and publish them on his blog. He finds himself beautiful when he looks at himself in the mirror in the morning. But in a sauna for example he is often bashful about his body. He is a self-indulgent being and wants to celebrate that. Yet he can give a lot of attention, positive energy and love to others. It's true that I can feel quite special in his company.
Later at a bakhlava shop Robert asked me about my relationship with my body. I replied that I am vain - that I worry about losing my hair and getting a belly. I am striving for a perfect body. And I am not at all proud of that. It doesn't go with my values of serenity and inner peace. I tend to think I am too attached to outer appearance. Everybody wants to be desired, no? Especially performers? Somehow I find it reassuring that Robert is vain and doesn't have a problem with it. Rather than change his vanity he wants to celebrate it.
Robert once told me in a feedback that what he really likes in me is my transparency. That's a big word - transparency. And it has stuck with me ever since. I constantly question myself if I am truly being transparent or only pretending to be. More often than not I perceive myself as a total fraud. I notice that it has become very important to me what Robert thinks of me. He has been my teacher and adviser. I appreciate his directness, even bluntness in giving feedback. He always wants to get back to the essence of things, the essence of what we are doing or looking for. That has been immensely valuable for me. At the bakhlava cafe I was looking for something specific. I couldn't exactly lay my finger on it. I loved listening to Robert's stories which were vivid and lush. He gets very enthusiastic and doesn't preach, but babbles like a child - which makes him so human and approachable to me. Was I expecting something from him? I guess I most of all wanted his approval. Maybe I see in him a kind of father figure. And I try to get the recognition my father cannot give me from Robert. I noticed again my tendency of not sharing so much, but being more of a facilitator. I tried to bring up this subject. I even asked him if my analytical and self-critical behavior and way of thinking can be annoying. He said it wasn't annoying, more funny. But that it makes me stay more with myself. Instead of opening up to the other. The fact that he was/is my teacher probably has something to do with it too. I mean with my holding something back, not letting myself completely go. I wanted to share more. Robert said my being there was already enough. I respect his opinion a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe Robert is my guru. I feel I can get a lot of support from him. I shouldn't depend on that though. Yet I truly believe that Robert is a great teacher. He lets me be who I am and even encourages that - he encourages me to be more of that. Teacher-student relationships have always been slightly delicate and political to me. I think twice or even three times what I am going to say to a teacher. Robert asks for the essence. He supports my intimacy research. He congratulates me with my blog texts. He finds them enjoyable and touching. Robert is more like a friend actually. So why should I worry about political correctness? Why should I think twice. He tells me about love affairs, the loss of love, the death of his father, about swinger clubs and tantra workshops.
I told him about my fear of being a pedophile once. I wanted to make a political piece about pedophilia, about therapy and intimate stuff exposed. He told me not to start from a problem, but to expose the intimate stuff as a celebration. That's how "White Horse - an attempt at live therapy" came into being.
And now he asked me again about love and where my heart rests. In the end I felt compelled and relieved to tell him about my obsession with Rodrigo. The shame and blame I put on myself for not being able to let go. And of course he could totally relate to that. He didn't tell me to move on like everybody else does including my therapist. Instead he feels I should give myself three years to overcome this obsession. That sounds like a reasonable amount of time. If I keep blaming myself for not getting over it I will never get over it. Besides it is my right as an artist to be obsessed - self-obsessed or obsessed with others. And loving someone without being loved in return is not something to be ashamed of. The problem is not the obsession maybe, but the shame and guilt that go along with it. So I guess that's what I needed to hear from Robert. That I am ok. That loving too much in solitude is ok, that fetishes are ok, obessions are ok and melancholia is ok too.
My perception and mood had been changed by this realization. We walked back to the house boat where Andre had made a delicious fish soup and I was invited for dinner.
We each drew a Tarot card. I got one with a lot of mermaids who were creating a special bond between the sea and the skies. The tears of the sea get dried up by the sun.