intimate walk with Helena

Helena and I realized that we had a lot of things in common. She just got back from a wedding party of Javi's brother in Spain. We spent some time talking in the living room while she was checking her email on the couch and I was trying to skype with bad connection at the table. Helena made a piece about virtual intimacy and got to perform it in Avignon this last summer. We found out that we both spent time in PAF thinking about and researching intimacy. But in different moments. Helena had done a lot of intimate chatting and skyping and smsing until both her computer and her mobile phone broke down. Helena was about to travel to Belgium for her first Vipassana meditation retreat, while I had just gotten back from my first Vipassana retreat in Barcelona the week before. We decided we had to go for an intimate walk together.

I came right from psychotherapy for my intimate walk appointment with Helena. I was still a bit lost in analytical thought about relationship patterns etc. We met in front of the school. She was full of life-embracing energy. She changed into her boots and we deposited our bags in the locker down in the lobby of the school. This would help us feel more light and free on our walk.
Helena found a small white feather and gave it to me as a present. Then she told me a story about a man who collected feathers his whole life with the deep desire and belief that once he would have gathered enough feathers he would be able to fly. He carried a heavy bag behind him full of feathers. He grew more and more tired and weak because the bag became heavier each day as he kept on collecting feathers. One day he tried to lift the bag over his shoulder with a huge effort. The tremendous weight of the bag made him collapse. As the bag crashed down on him he died. And in that moment he flew! Helena laughed and apologetically remarked that it's a bit of a Christian/catholic story. But I think one can interpret it in different ways. I liked the story and I think it's worthwhile reflecting 0n it.

We continued walking. I think it was mostly Helena who spoke. We smelled roses from a rosebush that grew in front of one of the small Dutch houses. Helena told me that she went for a walk one cold morning in November when she was in PAF. There was a layer of frost on the vegetation. She came by a rose bush with white roses that were still blooming. White frozen roses still in bloom! "Is there a thing more fragile and beautiful than a frozen rose blossom?" She said it with such happiness and love for life that I felt touched. And I stopped analyzing my relationship patterns. She can be so enthusiastic and life-embracing - similar to Javi's enthusiasm when he gets excited about something, but different. She even said it right there: "I am in love with life." I said to her that I am afraid of life. "Me too, very much!" she replied immediately. She painted this image of a man riding his fears like a wild horse. I was intrigued. Maybe that is what makes her so enthusiastic about life: this wild ride and her holding the reins.
We ended up at Nieuwe Markt. We walked several times around de Waag, which is an old castle-like building where they used to burn witches in the Middle Ages. Helena likes it because she likes to picture herself burning at a stake in the Middle Ages.
She is convinced that they would have burned her had she lived in the Middle Ages. And they would have burned me too. "Yes of course they would have burned you, Chris - doing laughing meditation and looking for intimacy with people, you would have been a great danger to society!" I felt excited and proud of this image of me and Helena burning at a stake as a wizard and witch in front of de Waag. This image made me feel intimately connected to Helena.
We then got to talking about therapy, about psychotherapy. We got to thinking that maybe it's fashionable nowadays to talk about your therapy sessions and about your therapist with your friends over a coffee. Therapists are not allowed to talk about their clients with anybody. But are clients allowed to talk about their therapists? Helena made me realize that I have a fucking privileged and luxurious life: I had started my day with a laughing meditation, followed by a yoga class, followed by a session with my psychotherapist. Then I went for an intimate walk and at 15:00 I was going to meet Matthew for an authentic movement session. What a perfect day! And this is my work, my study, my research, my therapy, the way I fucking choose to spend my time and make a living. It's ridiculous and at the same time very important for me.
I don't feel guilty. I feel privileged and happy and I know that I can give something to my fellow human beings. I believe it's time well spent and a life worth living. We decided right there to lay down on the ground and do a laughing meditation. In the middle of Nieuwe Markt between horse piss and pigeon poop. It was Helena's initiative. She told me that sometimes she likes to touch the hard surface of the street, of stone and asphalt and cement. She likes to kneel down and caress the floor like a sensitive skin. Even in dirty places like the metro or the central station. So we laughed and almost peed our pants. It felt great! People were looking at us strange and curious. We were looking up at the sky, laughing with our legs up in the air, sometimes looking at each other and sometimes laughing straight at the passersby, laughing with the passersby who were passing by with a smile or with a frown, with amusement or concern. Then we did fifteen minutes of silent meditation. With all the life going on around us I felt like a statue spreading peace and tranquility. The thought came to me that I would like to do laughing meditation in the public space more often. I would like to do it in the shopping mall in Kalverstraat, at the Bijenkorf, at the Central Station and in the post office. I agreed with Helena that we would try to meet once a week and do laughing meditation in a public space. It would be fun to do it with a group of people. It would be great to do it in a place where people are usually bored or stressed or serious. It's the laughing revolution!